Darkness in the Deep
by Leap of fate
Summary: Legolas reflects on his failings in the battle of Helms Deep. Hope is not easily found in dark days, will dawn ever come for him, or will grief affect the rest of his journey? *severe Lego-Angst*
1. Chapter 1

Darkness in the Deep

Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated with the Lord of the Rings books or movies, they belong to J. R.R Tolkien and New Line etc, so don't sue me because I have nothing! This is just a little fic I wrote inspired by Legolas in the battle of Helms Deep (the movie version) there are **MAJOR TWO TOWER MOVIE SPOILERS** so read at your peril if you haven't seen it yet. It'll be from Legolas' POV, probably be a stand alone thing, I just needed a little angsty outlet, hope y'all enjoy!

xXx

*

Helms Deep, the dead of night. With the rain hammering mercilessly down upon us, harsh and bitter as our situation. I stand with my kindred, in sombre lines, waiting. Waiting for an onslaught that could prove this to be our final night on Middle Earth. It is a humbling thought. That not one of us may survive this night. Here we are, surrounded by the beasts of Isengard, who know not mercy or compassion, who know not fear or concern, who were bred with a sole purpose, to destroy the lives of every innocent in our world, no matter the cost. 

In our midst, there are even children, mere babes who should have no need to fight, to battle for their very existence. It should be but a nightmare, a mere vision of night to them, not the harsh reality that faces us now. They may never see the light of a new day, never see their mothers or sisters again. Never have the chance to grow old, as is their birthright. But they stand, brave as the grown men around them, facing death. Mere babes…

In all my three thousand years and more, never have I witnessed such a sight, we are outnumbered by several thousands, already I have made my fears known.

Looking back 'twas a mistake to even mention it. All I did was stir the masses into greater apprehension. 

I argued with Aragorn, told him that it was hopeless, that all these men would perish, I despaired and I wish I had not. I have had far longer on this earth than any of those men, longer to gather wisdom and see the world around me, if it is to end tonight, at least I have the luxury of many ages, many times the amount of others. But it is not fair to me, how those so young, so innocent, must be drawn into war, to face no future, to have no dawn to look towards. Hope comes at such a great price these days.

The battle begins, swift and horrifying as a storm. The faces of those around me begin to blur, I kill because I must, I take no pleasure in it unlike those I face. My bow sings in deadly accuracy, there is not one I aim for who does not fall dead, until one…

In the blur of the battlefield below I see a bright glow, but it is not the joyous arrival of Mithrandir, it is a fell Orc with a burning pyre, and though the rain falls ruthlessly, its evil flame is not quenched. I know Aragorn sees it too.

_"Take him down Legolas!" He cries in elvish, desperation in his voice. I take aim, but my shot is not true! It hits the despicable creature in the shoulder, but it does not kill him. He keeps running, he is as desperate to complete his run as I am to stop it. _

"_Kill him, KILL HIM!" Aragorn screams, and I aim once more, but again! My shot does not kill, and I know I have lost my chance. With fear in the pit of my stomach, I watch and it seems as time stands still as the creature leaps into the tray at the bottom of the wall, and I see an explosion, bright as the sun, which rocks the very foundations of the Deeping Wall. In despair I watch as the smoke clears, and a terrible hole has torn the wall asunder, and the Orcs are flooding in like the tide. So many must have died in the blast alone, atop that wall that is no more. Guilt floods over me in waves, watching the fell beasts spill in, my kindred rush to hinder them, but there is so little time and so few elves to stop the onslaught. I see a discarded shield and slide down the stairway, firing shot after deadly shot, and Orcs fall in my path as I skim down the path._

But why that one? 

The most important shot, the most important to kill and yet that the one I miss? How is it possible, the fates were against me for that one shot? The evil being was right in my path, it was so easy to hit, and yet I failed. Vaguely I hear Aragorn cry to retreat to the keep, but it seems like a dream to me. I wonder what he thinks of me now? I survey the carcasses of the Orcs, fallen among the bodies of my own kind, and those of men. The hate surges up inside me. So many died because of me, because of _my failure. One shot._

_One shot… it resounds in my head over and over, I cannot block it out._

_One shot, so many dead, your fault…one shot. I see Aragorn shout retreat to Haldir, who nods. Friend Haldir, what will he think of me, and Gimli and Aragorn?! What will they think? I failed them, failed them all. But I will never know what Haldir thinks… many Orcs created a melee with the elves, as we retreated, they pressed forward. A fell Orc blade had caught Haldir's side, he had swept his hand over the wound looking at the blood in disbelief. I see another Orc come behind him, I open my mouth to cry out in warning, but no sound comes out, Aragorn cries also, but it is too late, an Orc's fell weapon is buried into Haldir's back, and he crumples. Aragorn is closer than I and rushes to his side. I see my old friend collapse and die in Aragorn's arms. 'Twas my fault… I did not warn him in time, my elven eyes saw the Orc before Aragorns but I could not cry another failing…_

_So many dead, one shot, Haldir…your fault. I feel like screaming I despair as I retreat to the keep, unshed tears in my eyes. Tears for so many men and elves._

So many.

The Orcs pressed forward, killing many of my kind and those of men as they went, those not quick enough to escape. If I had stopped the pyre, they would not have got in so easily, so much more chance to retreat, more lives saved. But I missed.

With dawns approach, indeed, hope came also. Hope for the men and for Aragorn, but no hope for me. 

Mithrandir arrived, with the Rohirrim who had been in exile. As the sun rose, the light of Mithrandir blinded the Orcs with his might, and they ran, ran after many had fallen by the powerful blades of the Riders of Rohan. Cheers went up around the battlements, but I could lift neither my heart nor my spirits, and so when all was done I sat alone in the inner halls of the fortress, alone with the little voice whispering in my ear.

_Haldir is dead, so many are dead. It's your fault, you failed them, failed Aragorn, failed Mithrandir, you could not stop it, all those men, those babes, they paid the price for your mistake…it's **all your ****fault.**_

At length, Aragorn approached me.

"What troubles you Legolas, 'twas a welcome victory that accompanied the dawn."

"I missed…" I murmured, more to myself than to he.

The ranger frowned, and knelt to look into my eyes, but I could not meet his gaze.

"Legolas, do not take on the burden of guilt unnecessarily. Many would not have been able to halt the fiends path, you did no wrong."

"You do not understand friend Elessar. Every shot that sang forth from my bow was true, except that one alone. Harder shots I have had to make, and I succeeded in all of them. But not that one shot… He was in my line of sight, 'twas an easy hit, but I failed. _Failed Aragorn! And now many are dead or injured unnecessarily. Haldir, one of my oldest friends… how can you say I have no guilt, when my failure allowed an open doorway to those fiends?!"_

"Legolas, listen to me!" Aragorn grabbed my shoulders roughly and I finally looked up at him, tears in my eyes once more.

"Listen to me." His voice softened. "If that beast had not succeeded in his task, do you think those fell creatures would have given up? There were many more fires Legolas and many more Orcs to carry them, if it had not been him it would have been another or another until the task was completed. To let despair consume you is a dangerous thing my friend, dangerous indeed for an Elf. Cast away your sorrows, you killed many of them, friend Gimli was most annoyed that your score beat his own. We have won a great victory here this morn, and though we lost many, we beat them back, and protected the women and children, many more could have died. Be happy you were not one of them my friend and do not dwell on what you could have done better, there is time enough for that when this war is over. Think of those we saved and you will know you made a difference for the better. Understand?" 

I looked into his eyes and saw the concern and hope in them, I wished not to ruin his mood, I could not take away his hope, even when I had none myself.

"Very well my friend." I replied and offered him as big a smile as I could muster. After regarding me closely for a second more he nodded and clapped a hand round my shoulder in reassurance. 

"Come my friend, we have much to talk of and much still to do." I followed him, my false smile still in place, but I could not muster any joy in my heart. 

For although I knew Elessar spoke some truth, in my heart I could not believe it. Dawn and new hope had come to them, but the little fell voice still resounded in my head. Would dawn ever come for me too?

*

TBC? What do you think? I could continue or I could not. Review please, tell me what you thought. This fic just spawned from a conversation I had with my friends about Leggy's failing to hit the Orc, and how I thought he would deal with it. It was pretty crappy, but then I am rather sleep deprived, though that isn't really an excuse. Don't judge me too harsh, review please ^^.

xXx


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A.N: Wow, thank you all so much for the amazing support, not one flame, I am most pleased ^^;; I have no idea how I will be able to top that chapter, you will obviously have high expectations for this one, I just hope I can do this one justice. Thanks for the reviews, keep 'em coming!

*

I walk alone. The rain has mercifully stopped, but my heart is still darkened by the aftermath of the storm. I make my way through the vast battlefield, surveying a nightmarish horror I prayed I would never have to face.

The bodies of fallen elves and men, scattered like leaves from an autumn windfall are intermingled with foul and twisted Orc carcasses. Some bodies so deformed I can scarcely tell the difference. There has not been time to organise the bodies yet, and so many hundreds have perished, it will be a great task to separate them all. King Theoden even suggested that all the bodies could be burnt where they lay, because too much time would be taken to move them.

I was horrified by this suggestion. These brave elves, men and terribly also the babes, so heroic and strong as they gave their lives to protect Helms Deep, protect their women, to be burned among these evil and despicable creatures like common beasts? I could not bear the thought. 

I pause now and again, recognising friendly faces, elves I have known since I was a mere elfling, their faces sorrowful in death. One can only guess what the last thing they saw was. Perhaps the joys of seeing their comrades slay a Goblin before they fell, or the pain of seeing a brother in arms fall in their enemies grasp. I mourn for them all, wishing I could take back their pain, and my mistake which caused it all. I would give it all to turn back time, to act a little differently, react a little faster, but that time is passed, and my opportunity is gone, thrown to the wind to taunt me ever more. 

I finally come to my destination, and kneel on the blood stained earth in front of where Haldir fell. His eyes are open, deceitful, as if he merely sleeps. But his skin is cold to the touch and the ethereal glow that all elven-kind exude is dimmed by death. As I look upon my friend of many long years I cannot fight my tears any longer, guilt is flowing through me like an angry river, it will not let me grieve, it taunts and jeers at me, the little voice whispering all the while.

_It is your fault, Haldir would be alive and well, if only you had stopped that Orc, none of these men would have fallen, trying to prevent them getting further. But you failed Haldir twice, you let them in and you could not cry, could not warn him, could not save him. Even Estel tried, he called, but you are worthless, useless, you failed them all. All these Elves, these men, these babes, their blood is on your hands. **It's all your fault.**_

I clutch my head with one hand, willing the voice away, begging it to leave me be, but I know 'tis true, I know I failed them all.

"Haldir, my friend, I failed you. I could not save you Haldir, I am sorry. Now I have not the chance to apologise to you or seek your forgiveness, forgiveness I do not deserve. I wish I could change it all my friend, I wish I had not failed you. I would give my life to change it all. I am so sorry." I weep, hoping that this will ease my pain, but it worsens it still, I grasp the tunic of my fallen comrade, tears of bitterness and guilt trailing mercilessly down my face, creating a path through the dirt on my cheeks. I reach my hand over, and close his eyes gently. I cannot bear them staring at me, taunting me, accusing me.

The darkness grows inside my soul, threatening to consume me, the knowledge I killed one of my best friends, it tears away at me inside.

_This is how you treat your best friends, you cannot save them? You let them die, while you continue living in your undeserving, worthless way? You have no right to live when you cannot save them, you could not save Mithrandir, you did not help him when he fell into shadow and you thought he was lost, you gave up. You could not save Boromir, you heard his horn but you were not with him, your delay cost him his life, you killed Haldir, who will be next, Gimli, Aragorn? You will be the downfall of all. **Murderer.******_

I gasped. 'Twas the first time it had been said, but it hit me like an arrow through my heart. I was a murderer. I murdered all these innocent children, those brave men and even my own kin, I murdered the elves. Bile rose in my throat as I fought the nausea that came with these foul thoughts.

_Murderer, murderer, you do not deserve the title of an elf, you are a monster, no better than the Orcs, murderer, MURDERER._

"NO!" I cry, grasping my head with both hands. They are wet and I bring them down to see what covers them. Blood! Haldir's blood is on my hands, his death is on my head. His murder.

_Murderer, see how his blood stains your evil hands, see how his eyes stared at you, they know you killed him, they know you murdered him, never to walk in the Golden Wood again, filthy, foul, evil murderer._

"No! Stop it, stop it!" I plead the voice whispering maliciously in my ear. I beg it to stop, to leave me be with my grief, but it does not abate.

_Murderer, the mighty Legolas, son of Thranduil is a filthy murderer, killer of elf and man and child. You harm all those you are near, all those you consider friends, what friend are you, murderer, what will they say, what will they think when they know how you murdered your own kin? What will your father say? Murderer, you are no elf, you are an evil creature, evil murderer._

"Please…stop it." My voice is no more than a terrified whisper now, I cannot see for the tears that blur my vision.

_You have no right to cry for them, you killed them all. Innocent little babies, never to see their mothers, you tore them from their families, you murdered them all, you failed them all, nothing but a monster._

I stand shakily, wishing to escape the voice that assaults me viciously inside, I clutch my head, trying to banish the whispering, but it will not stop chanting _murderer, murderer. I want to scream, to seek solace somewhere, anywhere, to make it stop. _

With a cry I run, though it feels as though my legs will give way. I push past men and elves to escape this wretched place, I stumble many times, probably on bodies of the fallen, still I desecrate their bodies, even in their death. I run into Aragorn, he calls after me in fear and worry, but I do not pay him any heed, I simply keep on running, the voice still chanting maliciously in my head.

_You are weak and worthless and evil. Murderer. Legolas is a Murderer._

I must escape it.

*

See, wasn't that awful? Much worse than the last one, right? Please, please, please review and tell me how bad it was, but don't flame. If you have time to read more of my stories (like you'd want to?!) there is a Legolas/Arwen type thing called When Will the Sun Shine Again with a new chapter up, and a rude, lewd and crude comedy LotR- College Style- Drugs, Sex and Donkey Whackers, I'm told it's funny, who'd have thunk it? Anyway, thanks for reading, review!

xXx


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